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What I Wanted to Say vs What I Said

What I wanted to say to my fiance's ex this morning:

Good Morning,

You don't like to be put on the spot, and I understand it could be intimidating that when arguments pop out it is in a text thread that has your ex-husband and his fiance. There are things that need to be said and things that I want you to know.

In the book I am reading there is this line “For reasons I will never understand, Judith will always be at war for the soul of our son.” And I think in many ways, it might apply to how Jason & I feel you act/react to us and the kids. I tried so hard to be your friend. After a year of your unwarranted comments to Jason and the kids about me, I text you to say I forgave you for the past and move forward. How did you react? You felt it necessary to proclaim to the kids that you were not sorry for things you had said. About a half year later I convinced Jay that we should reach out to your mother and sister because you were clearly depressed and acting on it. When you found out how did you react? Anytime we argue you find it necessary to project and call me angry and unhappy.

Unlike the way you do not know me at all, I know you quite well. I have an extensive background in adolescent psychology and in a moment of sadness at things you had said to Jay about me I once ranted, "Let me guess? Someone put too much of an emphasis on the importance of good looks and told her she was better than other people when she was young?? She had sex with men who were older and had bad sexual experiences? She had control issues and maybe was a cutter or had a purposely botched suicide attempt? She felt like she had to be in control of everything from how you dressed to how you talked? She blamed you, the kids, and everyone else but herself for her life and never tried to be better?" He was dumbfounded that I knew that. But I've seen these teenage behaviors in class all the time. And your behavior towards us, the way your happiness is tied to romantic relationships but you don't really let people see that, your few real friends, what you allowed to happen to Enzo-- all of it while acting like you are infallible and have never done anything wrong. Whether you want to admit it or not you are a textbook example of narcissistic personality disorder.

I am your opposite. I absorb the emotions of people around me and read them and I find joy in helping. I wanted to help you very much. I think maybe you do know that about me and maybe that is why you are so jealous. I wish you could see the effect of your words. I wish you could have seen your little kindergartener crying because she didn't know what to do because her mother told her she shouldn't love her Dad's girlfriend or hold her hand.  I wish you could have heard the things your therapist said to me, I wish you could have seen how your exaggerations hurt me when we spoke. More than that I wish you cared. I wish you were less concerned with covering up your own actions by projecting on me and Jason. You aren't fooling anyone.

I have never tried to compete with you but you present it to the kids like there is “team mom” and “team dad” or that they could possibly love one of you more than the other. As I have said to you a million times over, I am in no way attempting to take your place and in no way competing with you. How on Earth can you ever win a competition when the other party isn't competing? You can't. But your words are slander and they slice the kids as they do me.

You have spent two years taking me for granted and I think the time has come for you to accept that (1) I am not going anywhere, (2) your selfishness only hurts everyone else including you and the kids, and (3) I have never tried to take your place or be this villian you make me out to be. You can't wish me into being a bitch, just as you can't wish yourself away from being a slut... even if that is easier for you than admitting the truths of life.

Keep My Name Out of Your Mouth,

What I actually said:

I wanted to reach out and ask, again, for this to be a peaceful relationship. We have no choice but to have to interact, but we do have a choice as what is said to the kids. You can project on me and I see it a mile away and can ignore it, but kids don’t understand psychological complexities and we can’t explain those things away. Lets just all try and start fresh.


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