Yesterday the day finally came when I have felt I have done enough to make a blended family, I have done enough being a mediator, I have done enough to help someone who is hell bent on hating me. And that is really hard for me to say out loud (or in writing). I know that his ex-wife projects, I know that she deep down knows I am great for the kids, I know that she likely even does "like me" so to speak. What gets to me is the things she says in front of the kids and I have decided to relinquish control. I have decided that I need to let the fantasies and nightmares she perpetuates and throws at the kids unravel in their own time. Because they all will. Because the kids are strong and smart and can navigate those themselves.
The long and short of it was that a situation about school was brewing into possible court. Although she agreed with my fiance, she refused to meet him to sign off on it. He presented the idea 6 months ago, 4 months ago we sat and discussed with the kids therapist about it, a month ago she agreed in writing (text), and for the last three weeks he has tried to get her to meet to sign off on a paper. He decided that if she refused yesterday morning to meet him again he was going to go straight to the courthouse and file for a court order. What did he have to lose, some money? He had the texts, he had our reasons for wanting the change (which were all in the kids best interest).
So the evening before when she ignored his texts... I decided to reach out. Let me say that this woman has either some kind of narcissistic personality disorder or is manic depressive. I am not being petty or extreme when I say this. I know the signs. And on top of it she acts quite like a teenager who masks having some kind of learning disability so she is hiding/overcompensating for something. However, it had made me always make sure that whenever I communicate with her I do so in the most articulate, clear, concise, and straightforward way possible. I was very clear when I text her. I sent her:
"Hi! I am in Tampa right now and did not include Jay on this intentionally. I am not sure what your motivation is for ignoring him and prolonging signing a document to agree to something you already agreed to in writing multiple times. If you call his bluff it will look bad for you. He will get a court order and if you two ever have to return to court over anything it will be documented that HE had to do so even though you agreed in writing 3x. And to be straightforward, he is going to the courthouse tomorrow morning if you aren't going to meet him."
She "three dotted" me for a while right away. I am not sure what everyone else calls this but that is what I call the imessage icon when someone is typing you a text. It came and went as though she was typing and erasing. I thought that maybe I should be MORE clear! (I know, I was overanalyzing.)
"And if you are wondering my motivation for a last ditch attempt to make you understand the repercussions, we have always had an end goal of the kids having two stable homes and it was *me* that became your target last time you were stressed from court. So my motivation is that you do not try to sabotage the kids or me bc of something that you were well aware would be an end game."
She did not get what she wanted so she text my fiance back after he had already gone to the courthouse and gotten the paperwork he needed to fill out and submit to a marshal. Her text to him read: "I'll meet you at 12. You need to have her stop threatening me though. That's no way to solve anything." To which Jay replied, "No one is threatening you. I'll be there at 12." (I would like to point out that even though she perpetuated my texts as though they were threatening, she agreed so she clearly saw my point.)
As noon approached and I spoke to my fiance (whilst I was attempting to relax by a pool in a Tampa resort hotel). I decided, fuck it! She can twist shit however she wants because people will see right through her (and I was right considering the fact that I learned about the nagging later on). I sent her one last text separate from our group chat. I will break it down for you here:
"Please re-read every txt I have ever sent you and do it without looking for a reason to hate me! Of course I told Jay what I said to you and accusing me of threatening you if preposterous. (Trust me, you would know if I was threatening you.)
I have ALWAYS looked out for you! That is why I called 3 wks ago, why I txt last night, why I invited your family over when you were clearly suffering from effects of your mental illness. Congratulations, you've lost an ally in me.
I am a happy human and so I always read txts with an optimistic tone and don't have to twist anything. Try it."
And unlike Rachel Green, I am not looking back. (I mean, they were TOTALLY on a break anyway, amiright?) I felt fresh and free.
Meanwhile, at the bank, Jay met her at noon and they had the docs signed and notarized. While there MOTY (the mother of the year, herself) waited until the notary was out of earshot to dig at my fiance, to try and publicly pick a fight with him like a teenager. He kept his calm and ignored her as though she wasn't speaking...
"You and Melissa have to stop threatening me! How would you feel if Joe text you about mental illness?!"
"I haven't even gotten to visit the school yet!"
And since I was away I had time to contemplate. Much like I contemplated before signing my own divorce papers I started asking myself: Have you tried your best? Would you have any regrets looking back or can you say you honestly did everything you could to salvage this? The answer was simple and complete. Yes and yes. And because I have I know that relinquishing control of her possible effects is temporary because anyone who believes her twisting and scapegoating and projecting (I mean, even her own boyfriend didn't buy it!) is not worth knowing! So she can take her anger and resentment and her nonsense and keep that unhappiness for herself!
I have decided that I am not in a place to just change, to just stop trying, even if I know its best for me and the kids. So we talked about how their Dad and I want minimum contact with her from now on. She does not change when we ask or when we directly call her out, she is rude and doesn't reply or cooperate. Why continue this? In situations where the kids will be able to, they will communicate about plans they want to make when she is watching them or wanting to bring toys from one house to the other. I have also decided to live by a few easy mantras.
My goldie oldie: (1) Just be brave, do something that uses courage every single day and my new addition (2) Relinquish control, you are enough and lies unravel on their own. And I think mantras have a lot of power in our minds. I could talk about how there is science behind it but truthfully, the most important part is that if you repeat something that is a truth you don't always believe in, you can help your confidence and your outlook change! So there I am! I have tried my best, I gave it one last hoorah, I have let myself give up control and let myself consider the important fact that just being me is ENOUGH!