Here is an actual conversation that took place in a group chat between me, my fiance, and his ex-wife.
Background
I
was really depressed one Friday evening. I had been suffering from a
bout of depression for almost a week and had gotten really bad news at
work that day. When I picked the littles up from school the littlest
told me that "...mom says that she loves me more than anyone else so
that I have to love her more than anyone else. She said there is no way
that you love me as much as she does so I can't love you as much as I
love her." I was taken aback by this. I love these children as my own. I
went right into mom-mode so to speak. I asked her what love is. She
said "taking care of someone, wanting to be with them, putting them
first" and I said "Well that sounds like the way I care about you!
Doesn't it?" She shook her head up and down. "Does mom do those things?"
She said "no" so I told her "Mom said something on purpose to make you
feel bad about loving me. I'm not going to tell you to love me more and
I'm not going to tell you I love you more. I'm just going to love you."
When
we got home I went in my room, closed the door, and sobbed. By the time
my fiance got home I was a disaster. I was already feeling so low and
this just destroyed me. I have been dealing with this woman saying shit like this (and lets consider this mild) for 2 years. I have never developed a thick skin. I try, I really do, but I just don't have one. I just feel too much.
He was pissed. He text his
ex-wife. She told him she "didn't even read" his messages and told him
it was harassment and he was being accusatory. Here are the highlights
of what he had sent her:
"Stop telling the kids they can't
love Melissa or love her as much, or constantly feeling the need to
tell them that you're their mother. They're not fucking idiots, they
know you're their mother, they know Melissa is not. You are
single-handedly fucking them up. If you didn't do such a shitty job at
being their mother, then you wouldn't have to feel so threatened, so
insecure.
How would you like it if every time they said
something about Joe, I called them stupid little bitches, or fucking
retarded, or whatever shit you call them, and then tell them they can't
love Joe as much as they love me. Or, Joe's not your dad, I am your
dad. Or, isn't it weird that Joe has no kids and wants to be around you
guys? There is something wrong with Joe. The only thing is, I
wouldn't. Because I'm not a complete self centered asshole narcissist
with very deep insecurity issues. I actually have told all three of them
that it's OKAY to like Joe, you won't insult me nor Melissa if you like
him, or think he's funny, or have a story to say. Because unlike you, I
feel that 4 people who love and want to be around the kids is better
than 3. More the fucking merrier.
This woman loves YOUR
kids, provides for YOUR kids, makes sure YOUR kids have the things they
need at the cost of sacrificing her own wants and needs. The kids love
you, and you're lucky you're their mother, because I don't know they
would if you were the step mother. You could quite literally slap all
three of them in the face, and they would still love you just as much.
All Melissa does is love them, and provide for them, and you fucking
vilify her. You need to grow up for them, you need to be strong. You
need to be what Melissa always tells them, brave. Brave to do the right
thing, brave to face adversity, brave. Because right now you're weak,
you're insecure, you're selfish."
I felt a lot of
things that evening but when my fiance told me about this I felt like he
was willing to fight for my happiness and my love and that things would
be okay. I also knew better than to think his ex-wife didn't read the
texts. She likely read them multiple times. She will likely talk about
them at her court-appointed therapist appointments this week. We have
been finalizing where the kids will be going to high school and my
fiance and I wanted to talk things out with her soon so I thought I
would offer to meet on Sunday, maybe she would put her best foot
forward, and also be clear that, like my fiance, we are done putting up
with her bull shit.
Me: Please come over at 11:30
tomorrow to talk things out about the kids school. The kids can play
video games and we can put the dogs downstairs. If you would like to do
this with just Jason, that is fine as well. Jason told me about his
texts to you last night and how you ignored them even though it was (as
it always is) about the best interest of the kids. Discussing schools
and settling it on your terms is better than ending up in court.
Me
again: And, so that you are aware, using the word harassment does not
make it harassment but you have repeatedly slandered/defamed me to
multiple people (and in public) for two years and that is both illegal
and could be easily proven in court.
ExWife: No Melissa. The agreement is that whoever has the kids drops them off
Fiance: Then you can pick them up at 3:10, 4:15, and 4:45 and bring them to our house.
ExWife:
Excuse me? You drop them off at 12, that is what is in the court
agreement states and that is what you will do unless it's otherwise
agreed upon
Fiance: And you will bring them to us on Wednesday. S at 3:10, T from after school study, and A after her softball practice
ExWife: Sure I'd be happy too
Also
ExWife: You two are making this relationship far more difficult than it
needs to be. And that can be shown in court with the pages and pages of
horrible accusatory texts you've sent me.
Fiance:
Couldn't be the adult easy way, all you had to do was stop being nasty
to the kids about us, and do what's in their best interest regarding
school, but you couldn't do that. You have to make every thing hard.
I'm going to file a court order for them to change schools
Me:
It is not "harassment" or "accusatory" to react/respond to slanderous,
defamatory remarks or send a message that is longer than you would care
to read. You should consider looking up the definitions of words you
use.
ExWife: If you don't recall, we agreed to switch schools already
Fiance: We did not, you wanted a statement saying I wouldn't go for more custody before you agreed to anything
ExWife: Melissa, stop trying to fight with me and just be happy. It must be exhausting being so angry all the time.
Fiance: I can meet you at superior court whenever you want.
Me:
Enough projecting. You've slandered us repeatedly over the last two
years. If it happens again I'm hiring a lawyer and you can deal with a
defamation of character lawsuit too. This is not a threat; this is my
formal request for you to stop the slander. I have taken the high road
and tried to help you in ways your own friends/family never did,
meanwhile, you have tried to make the kids love us less with your words
(there's proof of that in YOUR texts) and you have spread untruthful
information about us to other adults.
ExWife: Aren't you guys with the kids? Who's taking care of them right now?
Also
ExWife: I agreed to the school change. I'm on your side. I am not out
to make everything more difficult, contrary to what you both believe.
Fiance: Who's with the kids? Stop.
Me: If you are not trying to make things more difficult STOP.
Stop being so big and bad behind txt but not answering your phone
Stop telling the kids that they need to love you more, guilting them, calling them horrible names
Stop being so obsessed with the fact that we are happy and you don't know how to be that you try to ruin everything at our home
I'm living my happily ever after and so is Jason and you have to take care of you
At this point she actually stopped.
Next morning, Fiance: Just wanted to double check on doing drop offs instead of pickups.
It
was a switch we didn't mind because it was easier for you since there
are two of us. This week, you will have to get S at school at 3:10 and
then bring her right over to our house. Then at 4:15 get T at school and
bring him right over to our house. Then at 4:45 get A from softball and
bring her right over.
ExWife: You know that is absolutely ridiculous. I know you do
Fiance: Yes, that is why we had been willing to do pickups instead of dropoffs during the school year.
ExWife: Fine, I'll be there at 12
So to recap:
Here
is a woman, who when faced with the threat of court was willing to lie
and say she already agreed to the school we had chosen. Why? Because she
knows we were the ones with the kids best interest at heart.
Here
is a woman, who calls text messages in which my fiance points out nasty
things that she has called the kids and said about us "horrible" and
"accusatory" but never EVER denies them. She has never
once in two years denied saying any of the heinous things the kids have
told us. Not once. Not a single time she cursed at her 6 or 8 year old.
Not a single time she has said terrible things about me. She just says
"harassment".
Here is a woman, who wanted the ease of having the
kids dropped off to her but then (even though I do that same running
around all the time and it would mean she got to see them later in the
day than usual) was not willing to spend 90 minutes in the car picking
the kids up and dropping them off.
Can a narcissist be selfish or is that redundant?
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