When it Feels Like You've Lost the Journey

I had a terrible appointment with my doctor recently. I had some systems that the internet said could be various vitamin deficiencies and despite having changed my diet and added supplements I still felt off. I thought this might mean blood work was in order. I went to the doctor feeling GOOD about myself, I mean feeling proud at my work towards being healthier. 

I had not seen this particular NP in a while but she was surprised when she saw me. She acted shocked as though I had gained remarkable weight. Being of small frame, 30 lbs is a lot but I had reached a point I had gained 50 and I was coming back down from that. And this is a person who had access to my records! She kept fixating on my cholesterol (spoiler alert, after the bloodwork it was great) and trying to trick me into saying I eat crappy foods. She would sneak in questions like "so when do you eat all the processed stuff?" or "so you don't eat breakfast and then binge on snacks at work?" and even wrote about junk food on my exit ticket from the office. 

I was mortified. I was hurting. And I allowed her preconceived notions of what she thought I was doing wrong overshadow all that I had been doing right the last two months. I woke up every day in September and August and worked out using Blogilates Summer Sculpt. I also walked on the treadmill, focused on fresh ingredients for all meals, and began to phase out meat from my diet. 

I've included images here where I took notes on how I felt both rounds of these exercises. One thing I did realize finally, was maybe my most fatal flaw of working out had been not focusing on selfcare at all. It was all about calorie burn, limiting my diet, and how I WOULD look someday. This doctor appointment made me realize that anyone at anytime could judge me. That I have no control over that. And as has been the mantra of my life: I have to relinquish control over the things that don't serve a positive purpose in my life. 

I am slowly recalculating my plan to remove meat from my diet, having eliminated nearly all red meat and pork. I am slowly replacing chicken with fish and have settled on being a pescatarian rather than a vegetarian. But I am working on this in stages. It is silly to think I could do everything I want to do at once and that I am not worthy of kindness, bedside manner, or even having my picture taken because I am out of shape and overweight in this moment. 

I have purchased a 90 day journal and I am slowly getting myself ready to use this beginning 12/8 (I loo this is a random date but I want to have time to find things that will work for me.) I am excited to see where I end up right before my 37th birthday. I can't wait to share before and after pictures and notes with you. But I mostly cant wait to share before and after feelings!